She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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