its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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