either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
