dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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