u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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