How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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