Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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