Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
