He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
