I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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