Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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