You're completely useless in the revolution.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
