I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
