I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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