but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
