I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
