I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
