I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
