I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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