i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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