Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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