so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
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They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
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I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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