Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
