Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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