he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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