U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
