im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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