Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
