I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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