I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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