I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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