there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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