I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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