I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
