dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.