this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
A bitchslap is in order.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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