I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
