Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
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Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
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DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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