I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
