Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
