The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
