I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
