I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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