I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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