you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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