lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
