i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
