My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
