New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
