im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
