phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Randomize
