dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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