oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
