He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
