remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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