i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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