i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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