five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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